Jeez, it’s been a while.
My thoughts are racing. I have so much I want to write, so much I’ve wanted to write for a while… months (obviously, my last post was in June!). Every day, multiple times a day, for months, the thought has crossed my mind, “I could write about this” or “I should write about this” or “Dang, this would be a great post”… and then an inner monologue ensues for the next several minutes, writing the post in my head, and I decide that one day I will invent a brain chip or some kind of device that will record this stream-of-consciousness-style dictation and set it all up, nice and pretty, in a blog post, ready for editing and publishing at the press of a button. Has someone invented that yet? Where can I get one?
What’s been holding me back? Hm. Well, ladies and gentlemen… that would be perfectionism, plain and simple. Perfectionism has been holding me back. And it’s been holding me back for a long time. It’s what held me back from that dance recital and piano recital when I was little (seriously, I remember these things vividly), and it’s what still holds me back today. Sometimes I hide behind the notion of perfection, that I DO have all my ducks in line and all my shit together, when really, I’m kind of a hot mess with a million things on my plate, none of which are truly quenching my appetite for creativity because I’m not devoting enough time to any single one of them. And perhaps if I were just honest and fully out there and vulnerable about where I stand, perhaps then I could breathe more deeply, chill the F out, and realize that I’m human and it’s not the end of the world if people see my wounds or my imperfections and that whole “being perfect” thing would magically no longer be necessary. And maybe that honestly and vulnerability would strike a chord with other imperfect humans. (Duh.)
As I sat down to write this post, I first took a second to look at the blog, scan the headers and buttons, and almost fell down the rabbit hole of reorganizing, deleting, “making pretty”… but is that what I came here to do? No. I want to write, and I need to get into the habit of actually writing, versus waiting for the perfect time, the perfect idea for a post, the perfect language to come to me, or worrying that the blog site itself isn’t perfect, that I don’t have the right camera or the right links or the right web design or hosting or stats… gah! It’s overwhelming, and it’s no wonder why I haven’t been back for a while. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect? What is “perfect” even? Who decides?
I was reading an article the other day which mentioned how the employment model is changing, how people can’t stand to be employees any longer and how more and more people are becoming entrepreneurs. But then, once they become entrepreneurs, they fall into the bad habit of creating a start-up by following the same ol’ money-seeking model, much like the company they left to become an entrepreneur, simply because it’s what they know. And the cycle continues. What does this have to do with my blog?
The Heyday Diaries is small. I would love for it to be bigger, to have a following. I would love for it to be pretty, like other mom blogs, fashion blogs, lifestyle blogs, food blogs… pick one. It’s just not right now, and maybe it won’t ever be. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe I don’t have to follow the models set before me. Maybe I write about what real life is for me. Maybe I take pictures with my phone. Maybe I misspell things (the horror!) or have misplaced modifiers or dangling prepositions or run-on sentences in my writing. Maybe I share things that I like because I think other humans might like them, too. Maybe I just do it because I want to do it, and see what happens. Maybe I’m not perfect, and maybe I’m totally okay with that.
What do you think? Do I stand a chance?
I said I had a million things to say… and I will. Stay tuned.